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Running From Emotions… Christine McDonald

Posted in #PaulthePoke, Christine "Clarity" McDonald with tags , , on July 31, 2020 by paulthepoke

I wasn’t sure what to do. The only person who I knew would show up for me without a doubt was a drug dealer. Not because he cared about me, but because he liked the money I brought in.

I called him and we made small talk. A couple of hours later, there he was with a change of clothes, and, like any good drug dealer, he brought me a pipe and some crack. A motivator. He knew, as I did, that if I took that hit I’d be making money really soon to keep the crash at bay. He said he had some folks in his car, so he couldn’t offer me a ride, but he congratulated me on the baby, said she was real cute, and said he’d see me in a couple of days.

I continued to hold her for a bit. She clutched my finger. She seemed so peaceful.

My mind was racing. The more she stayed on my chest, the harder it would be for me to do what I needed to do. I couldn’t be a mother to her. I had no idea where to even begin. I had nowhere to go and no one to call.

I had to be strong. Many have said my choice was selfish. I, however, feel I made the best choice I could with the information I had at the time. I could give her the best by letting someone else in a better place care for this little life so she’d have hope for a future. Hope. Something that was so foreign to me.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I went into the bathroom in my hospital room and put on the clothes. I was careful as always when positioning myself in front of the mirror not to look myself in the eye. Then I brushed my teeth and put my hair in a rubber band. I found in the hospital room. I reentered the bathroom, shut the door, and got high. I exhaled and opened the bathroom door. I stood over the bassinet of that little life. I touched her hand again, and she gripped it. I bent over her and kissed her forehead and told her I loved her, but I was
too broken to be a part of her life.

I returned to the bathroom, closing the door behind me in shame, and got high again. I had to leave. My heart couldn’t take the pain.

I stepped out of the bathroom, looked at the little baby, and cried some more. I kissed her forehead one last time and wished her the best of life. Then I walked out of the hospital room, down the hallway to the elevator. I hadn’t even been released yet. That wasn’t supposed to happen until the following day.

There was a desk in the ER, and I knew that if you needed a ride, they’d take you for free. I requested a ride to the Avenue. I was dropped off in the heart of the hood. I had just abandoned my little girl, and now I was running to escape my emotions.

To be continued…

Contact Information:
Christine C. McDonald
636-487-8986
Christine.CryPurple@gmail.com

“Love your neighbor, all of ’em.” -Christine Clarity McDonald

https://crypurplemovie.com/

“You’re released” Christine McDonald

Posted in #PaulthePoke, Christine "Clarity" McDonald with tags , , on July 24, 2020 by paulthepoke

At last, the phone rang. The guard answered. “It’s for you,” she said. It was the judge.

“You’re released,” he said. “The baby is drug free. You’ll be unshackled right away. Someone from the county will bring you the clothes you were wearing when you were brought in.”

I hung up the phone.

The guard said, “I’ll get your clothes back to you as quickly as I can.”

“Really? You think they’re going to fit?”

She laughed. “Well, maybe not. But we’re not social workers here. We detain the arrested. Surely you can call someone.” She paused. “You need anything?”

“A soda with caffeine would be wonderful,” I said.

She brought me that, said “Congratulations,” and left.

The guard arrived with my clothes and the 96–cent check I had on my books. The clothes didn’t fit. Meanwhile, the woman handling the birth certificate had entered the room. She said, “Surely you want to call her something other than Baby Girl McDonald.”

I picked up the little girl and said, “Jasmine, because she smells so sweet.” I laid her on my chest, listening to her breath, feeling her heartbeat. “Jasmine Nicole.” I signed the birth certificate.

The nurse said I’d be released from the hospital the following day. That would give me another day of rest and a little extra time to figure out what I was going to do.

I held the baby and cried, telling her how I had grown attached to her little kicks in my tummy and would miss her. I explained to her that I was too much of a mess to care for her. My experiences with service providers had been rather jaded. It seemed from my past experiences that there was simply no help for people like me. I did not know how to live, I did not see hope for help, and I could not risk messing up her life; mine was so useless, so dark, so tainted. Desperate to ensure that my brokenness would not damage her little life, I would leave her in the hospital. I told the sweet, warm little girl that they would find someone much better to be her parent, and that I would never forget her. My tears flowed freely.

To be continued…

Contact Information:
Christine C. McDonald
636-487-8986
Christine.CryPurple@gmail.com

“Love your neighbor, all of ’em.” -Christine Clarity McDonald

https://crypurplemovie.com/

Paul the Poke

Habakkuk 1:5 Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told. -LORD God

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